


(Dun Dun) Law and Order: WCU

by DigitalMeowMix



Category: Fail_Fandomanon RPF
Genre: Crime Drama, Crime Fighting, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Gen, Injokes, Meta, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 01:25:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2794694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalMeowMix/pseuds/DigitalMeowMix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the fannish justice system, "Any Two Guys" or "White Cock" slash fics are considered especially heinous. In FF-A, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious accounts of doing fandom wrong are members of an elite squad known as the White Cock Unit. These are their stories</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Dun Dun) Law and Order: WCU

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Minim Calibre (minim_calibre)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/minim_calibre/gifts).



> Thank You to [Mesonyx](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mesonyx) for the fantastic beta and to [ CordialCount](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cordialcount/pseuds/cordialcount) for the very patient footnote help!

In the fannish justice system, Any Two Guys or White Cock slash fics are considered especially heinous. In FF-A, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious accounts of doing fandom wrong are members of an elite squad known as the White Cock Unit. These are their stories.

DUN DUN

Officer A Nonnie Mous looked over the new files on her desk as she sat down at her office at the precinct. There were lots of open cases files here. Some of the toughest offenders in fandom were covered in these files. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to do her job well enough to earn her Social Justice Points and make Detective. She paged through the files and looked at the mugshots. In one a man dressed in leather with a grumpy face and nice arms stood far away from a older man wearing a nice suit. The two were not making eye contact. The next was very angry young man with a five o'clock shadow wearing a wife beater. He was glaring at a younger boy with a shaved head who was gesticulating wildly at him, his mouth open wide. He looked to be in the process of rolling his eyes. After looking through a few more, she came to hardest-to-crack case; the picture showed a man with puffy lips and stubble as well as a thin man with dark hair, both of them wearing finely tailored suits. They seemed to be in the middling of bickering. 

Suddenly Nonnie’s chief hollered across the precinct from their office in the front of the room. He sounded pissed. Nonnie hurried over to the chief’s office and shut the door behind her . The chief sat at his desk looking aggravated. The name placard on the front end of his desk read Chief D. Booping. The chief was a veteran of the many fannish flame wars. He had seen the front lines of the Fall of the Harmonian shippers, and had been there the day Livejournal was finally overrun with spammers and other scum. He was well liked and respected. He also looked like a young hot Tom Selleck.

”You called for me Sir?” Nonnie said asked seriously. 

The chief barked at her to sit down across from his desk and let out a deep sigh as she did so “The news is grim,” he said. ”There are reports that there is a Migratory Slash Fan epidemic going around and hordes of White Cock pairings, and with it fic, fanart, famixes, and shipping wars are popping up faster than the WCU can take them down.” “There are White Cock making labs being found everywhere now, not just on mainstream media, but on anon memes, Tumblr, Plurk,Pinboard, and Ao3. Even worse are the shippers, tempting innocent fangirls with the allure of shows with pasty white dudes having lots of homoerotic subtext moments and then “no homo-ing” every time.” Nonnie was shocked. QueerBaiting was a serious offense. How was the media and fandom getting away with it? “I need you to administer swift justice. Officer Nonnie, can you do that?” the chief asked. 

Nonnie thought a moment then she shook her head as she replied, “Yes, chief, you can count on me.” It was a dirty job but someone had to do it.

As Nonnie left the chief’s office she thought of the hard work ahead. She knew that the only remedy for these crooks was Shipping Rehab, where fangirls would be introduced to diverse characters and good writing in the hope that they would see the light and ship only good pairings with real substance and canonical evidence. Nonnie had heard a couple episodes of Elementary could do a miracle purge. Her chief had just given her permission to do a raid operation on a suspected White Cock factory in the area. She would need the the big guns for bait for this operation, like art-house films with gay romances but done in French with subtitles. These were sure to lure fangirls in and then hit them with unexpected engagement of the brain.

 

Nonnie sighed as she walked to the transport depot. Every officer on the force was assigned a APU, a Anon Pony Unit. They were ranked in order of how in the department used them. Her APU was a pony of Lastness named Sunny. She brought up the rear in an investigation and closed cases. Someday with hard work and good luck she would promoted and her APU would be qualified a Pony Of Firstness First Class, which would make her first on the scene of the crime. As she drove her Pony to to the set-up location two blocks from the raid site, she was reminded of her freshman case. 

 

Her first case had been small but memorable,a small fandom around a sitcom/crime procedural, quirky and enjoyable with great chemistry between the male leads. The fandom was in its infancy when the White Cock Unit first got the report that fans were not shipping the characters that had the most chemistry - the main character and his life long friend and detective partner that he shared homo-erotic tension with. They had hugs, pet names, loving looks,and personal sacrifices done for each other. They even exchanged “I love yous,” But instead the fans shipped the main character with a middle aged antagonist dude with a little square face, the one that yelled and grimaced at the main character a lot and considered the character a sham and a foil. They didn't seem to care the that the unshipped male was played by a hot and talented dude that had fannish actor cred. Because the guy was Black, which made him mysteriously unattractive to many fangirls. They’re more like brothers, the fangirls said. Foe-yay is hotter, they claimed. The WCU saw through their alibis, but it was too late. The White Cock ravaged the the fandom, leaving ruin in its wake. 

 

As Nonnie approached the meeting spot she took a deep breath and strapped on her slash goggles, summoned her courage, and dismounted her APU with her phaser set to stun.As she approached the sting house she got an ominous feeling, she felt her heart beat faster and her breathing quicken as she approached the door.Suddenly a loud growl and the sound of the thumping of large paws came barreling around the left side of the house. It was a gigantic guard dog! Nonnie thought quickly, she had been briefed that the house was guarded by a fierce canine and had come prepared. From her pocket she pulled a large( at least seven inches) juicy bone. She threw it in the direction of the charging dog stopping it in its tracks.As she quickly tip toed past the dog while it was distracted she noticed that it’s collar had the letters OMD[1] engraved with blinged out jewels on the front it.As she finally came to the front door of the house she saw that it had a sign on it that advertised BOYXBOY content DON’T LIKE DON’T READ!!!!11.These culprits must be young and inexperienced to leave such a huge clue of evidence out in the open.

 

The backup arrived a minute later and she ordered them kick the door down as quickly and quietly as possible. According to reports from their mole inside, these suspects were quick on their feet and could be unpredictable if cornered. The last raid that had caught one of their members had ended after a deadly battle with pasty-skinned dildoes being thrown around and the sound of squealing teen girls echoing throughout the base. After the suspects got away, the only evidence they were able to collect were a poster of Channing Tatum (code named in the business Charming Potato) with dark lipstick marks covering it and the words DESTIEL IZ CANON!!!! OTP FOR GAY RIGHTS !!!! spray painted in bright pink on the base wall.

At the count of three the other officers knocked the door down with a crash and Nonnie braced herself, sweeping into the building phaser drawn. It was a large room covered in posters and other paraphernalia of the fangirl trade: One Direction group shots with Zayn cut out; a cardboard cutout of Legolas with a dog collar around its neck; pictures of badly drawn anime style Emo boys with multicolor hair posed in strange yoga poses on posters; a shelf stocked full of yaoi manga badly translated into English featuring characters with giant hands and tiny heads and giant cocks censored with tiny black stripes or whited out with an ethereal glow. Another officer called from the next room that it was clear, but there seemed to be a trap door in the floor. 

 

Within minutes the lock was busted open and the Nonnie rushed down into the basement. The room was dark, the only sound the tapping of furious typing. By the far wall was a bright light coming from a open laptop, and at the laptop was disheveled looking girl wearing a Grumpy Cat snuggie while sitting on a beanbag chair wearing giant earphones. She looked up from her laptop screen as the Nonnie came in with her backup at her heels and shrieked as the officers grabbed her. As Nonnie read her her rights, the girl flailed against the cuffs, shouting in Tumblr tag gibberish about HER FEELS. Nonnie sighed with weary satisfaction. Another perp taken down, another Migratory Slash Fan stopped from infecting fandom with OOC White Cock dribble. She read the suspect her Miranda right in a firm raised voice so she could hear it over the sound of her own fuss:

 

1.The suspect has the right to spew TLDR fauxpologies.  
2.Anything the suspect says can be used against him/her on anon memes.  
3.The suspect has the right to an anon defender or an apologist to defend them online.  
If the suspect cannot afford an defender/apologist they will be trolled, wanked about,and called problematic anyway

 

The suspect from the raid was a young girl now dressed in an Avengers hoodie, she sat in the interrogation room silently until Nonnie sat down across from her and opened her files. “So Ms…. Stony4EVAOPT123, we have you at the scene of a crime with 20k of Clint/Coulson High School AU where both characters bear no resemblance to their canon characters.Care to explain your bizarre choice of reading material?’ 

The girl sputtered and and squeaked out: “But in the Avengers tie in comic… their chemistry was so slashy...and that scene in Thor where they talked over the walkie talkie for 10 seconds,so much tension and snark!” The girl quickly realized that this was not working and continued babbling. “And uhhh..neither of them have super powers so it’s just their pure talent and competency that keeps them alive so they have that in common… and ..um..suit kink… and… I have an authority figure and coworker kink?” “ Nonnie stared at her grimly. "Whatever, I want my anon defender…. I mean my lawyer!”

 

Nonnie sighed. There would be no more evidence coming from this interrogation. The lurkers would support the suspect in email with the cry of Your Kink is Not my Kink! [2] And dont harsh my squee! Then she would be untouchable. She left the interrogation room in a huff with a slam of the door and went to find out what she could from the crime scene evidence.

 

Nonnie walked briskly to the crime lab to ask about the evidence found at the scene. She and the other officers had a found plenty of potential evidence.For instance the basic paraphernalia of a White Cock fan such as the OOC AU’s and the embarrassing merchandise. But since the written piece of evidence that was found at the scene with suspect was written by by someone else, she would only get time for one count of possession. Not enough to keep her of the streets for very long. Nonnie wanted to put her away for good. She needed more evidence, especially of any White Cock fic she wrote herself. Then she could book her for production. But White Cock fangirls could be sneaky. They would hide their fic about bland white dudes banging under labels and tags that looked like good well-written fic. Other characters than the two dudes would be tagged but they would barely appear; ships featuring women and characters of color would be tagged but they would mysteriously break up before the fic finished or they would tragically die at the end. It was tedious work sorting through the OOC White Cock badfic, but the CSI techs here were the best in the nation. They could even do an infinite zoom on their microscopes as 60’s rock music played.

 

Nonnie walked into the lab and cleared her throat as the lab tech approached her. She could never remember the names of techs, but it didn't matter, as they only appeared when SCIENCE! had to be done, and provided an excuse for bad CGI DNA models to be used. The lab tech stuttered a hello and Nonnie rolled her eyes and barked “Well, what do you have for me?” The lab tech blushed and stuttered again as she turned a computer screen towards Nonnie. On it was a complicated pie chart that was color coded “As you can see, Officer, the suspect had many fics on her pinboard - over 900 - and they’re all meticulously tagged by rating and pairing and fandom. There is some diversity and variety on the first and second page of her pinboard. Look, a 10K fic about an interracial pairing! And there below it is a fic about a canon lesbian! But a little digging into the percentages of her bookmarks shows a great amount of fic just about white dudes. And look, she even bookmarked a fic about a wonderful female character being genderswapped, when there is barely any fic written about her as a woman! And with the hacking skills of the department I was able to read her secret unlisted bookmarks. It’s all fic about female characters dying or being evil and being called bitches. And worst of all is her WIP folder….”. The lab tech pushed a key on the keyboard next to her and another screen came up with a folder labeled WIP with the subtitle ( MY STAGGERING WORKS OF GENIUS, R&R if you want me to continue!) “It’s filled with a fic about two male characters that have never met in canon raising the baby of the main female character after her tragic but unmourned and offscreen death! Both characters use gross pet names that are wildly out of character and weep like hysterical teenagers. It looks like its going to turn into Mpreg soon so they can have another precious spawn!”

Nonnie smiled and cheered ”Gotcha!” she yelled, This was all the evidence she needed to put the suspect away on First Degree White Cock charges, with a Second Degree Fannish Misogyny charge to seal the deal. All it would take to crack her wide open and get her to spill the truth about her operation and her associates was giving her the chance of a plea bargain. If she did so, it would get her a temporary hiatus from all social media and enrollment in a reformation program where she would learn the importance of How To Be a Fan of Problematic Things.[2]She raced to the chief’s office with a spring in her step. She would surely be promoted to detective now! Fannish Justice had been served!

DUN DUN

Legal Disclaimer:

All characters, canons, or ships appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real characters, canons, and or ships, living or dead, is purely done out of love for those characters, canons, and ships, with a sense of humor about the authors own tastes. No disrespect is intended.

 

1 http://failfandomanonwiki.pbworks.com/w/page/60466992/Original%20Male%20Dog

2 http://fanlore.org/wiki/Your_Kink_Is_Not_My_Kink

2 http://www.socialjusticeleague.net/2011/09/how-to-be-a-fan-of-problematic-things/

**Author's Note:**

> You win a critter or a velociraptor of your choice if you can spot all the fandom and ship references!


End file.
